Disablement

Dear Asics Shoes,

I am writing this letter, holed up in my recliner, unable to walk for any short period of time, even on my new plush carpet. I have blisters lining the outer edges of my feet, the size of egg-shaped silly putty containers.

I have always heard amazing things about your athletic shoes & find them aesthetically pleasing. Anytime I'd compliment someones running shoe, they'd always beam "Asics." It was as if everyone around me, strangers & friends, were a part of this new club and I just had to jump on the bandwagon.

I decided to go with the Asics Gel 1120 - just about the only pair under $80. I even waited in line for 43 minutes (Sport Chalet was having a one-day sale and I just so happened to show up that day. I was not privy to any discounts, mind you). What's not to like about the idea of gel cushioning your feet like walking around with feather pillows under foot?

I'll tell you what's not to like...BLISTERS. The first two times I wore them my heels ached. I wrote this off because I have exceptionally large arches. The third time, however, left me hobbling around on the inside balls of my feet - a nearly impossible feat. I'd even double-socked my feet pre-walk, worried that this sort of thing would occur. When it is more comfortable to wear high heels than walk around barefoot because the blistered flesh attaches itself to the hardwood floors - you know you have a problem.

I don't plan on wearing your shoes anytime soon, nor do I think I can get a refund. What have you to say?

Sincerely,

Disgruntled Customer

An Ode To Hershey's

T: Wait...my hands smell like poop.

M: What?

A: Did you go poop, girl?

T: No...they just smell like poop. Smell them.

M: (smells hands willingly) It's more like throw-up than poop.

T: Here smell.

A: No...it's ok. I'm eating chocolate. It's really ok.

T: They definitely smell though (says while continuing to smell hands )

M: Yea I definitely got a whif of something.
(pondering, pondering)
Girl, maybe it's your chocolate.

A: What? Sad. (smells chocolate) Hmm...it could be my chocolate...kinda farmy.

Long Pause

T: No - I think it's my hands. They smell like poop.

Hi Jay, It's Grandma

I got a call Sunday from an 805 # so I let it go to message (when you're popular you have to screen your calls). The message went something like this:

"Hi Jay, it's Grandma I haven't heard from you in what feels like years. I got your number from mumble-mumble in China ...inaudible...just wanted to call and say I love you."

The woman had this cartoony Grandma voice - everything you'd expect it to be. I can see her wrapped up in her afghan and slippers with her address book on her lap making her Sunday phone calls. I felt so bad for this woman...perhaps it's been years since she's heard from Jay because so & so in China gave her the wrong number!!

So I decided to call her back to let her know the message didn't reach Jay. Easy enough, right?

Hi. I just received a call from you and I wanted to let you know you don't have the right number.

"Oh...let's see now. I called 3-1-0-5-6-7-3-1-7-5."

Right. That's my cell phone. I've had this number for about 4 or 5 years now.

"I'm trying to reach Jay. Do you know him?"

No I'm sorry I don't.

"He just moved to Cerritos. Does that help?"

No...I'm not familiar with that area.

"Ok well I live in Oxnard. Does that help?"

No. I'm sorry. (awkward laugh-awkward laugh-awkward laugh)

"Well Emily gave me this number - she's in China you know."

Right. Well...I'm assuming there was a typo in her email...I'm not really sure. I just wanted to call and let you know that Jay didn't get your message.

"Well I don't mean to put all this on you."

At this point she got upset as though I had information and was not divulging. I continued to apologize in a wish-I-could-help-you sort of way, but I could tell she was still unclear with the entire situation. It was everything I could do at that point to get off the phone with Grandma.

Why on earth is Emily messing with Grandma all the way from China? I mean really!

Urgent

Because I know my readers follow in my every move, I kinda sorta forgot to tell you...I've deleted my Mint.com account. Don't get me wrong, I'm secretly still obsessed with the whole concept, but I had dinner with Michelle & Mateo Monday night and he instilled a great deal o' fear into me. I'll admit I was pretty cavalier about handing over my logins, which was stupid. I was just blinded by the "secure" website thing. Mateo works in networking and has all kinds of certification & a bachelors in the stuff so I'm just going to take his word on it. He said he would only feel safe if he installed the software onto his computer. I've also updated all of my login passwords...reader beware.

DELETE YOUR MINTS!!

Magic

For those of you that have seen my apartment, you'll know that I had all kinds of scuffs on the wall from the movers and then a big black handprint above my bedroom window from when they installed new blinds. Rene, the apartment's handyman offered to come back for some touch-up painting when work slowed down. I've been waiting for over a month now and the spots really started to bother me.

I decided to google ways to remove dirt off walls. Nearly every link recommended Mr. Clean's Magic Eraser. I decided to go with the Original (4-pack for $3.44 @ Target) - they have one for just about every area in your house. You just wet the sponge and go at it. Honestly...I don't know what that thing's made of but it really is MAGIC. I really went at those walls and door jams - I wasn't showing any mercy.

Needless to say all scuffs have been removed, including ones I wasn't aware of. Who needs a man when you've got Mr. Clean Magic Erasers, right ladies?