Down To The Wire

So...I think I've texted my four faithful readers, but in case you're wondering the boy still doesnt have my number. I guess my friend was planning on passing it onto him during a meeting this week and he was out sick. But she assured me he'd get it tomorrow "or something." Exact words. And I've learned you cant be pushy when someone's doing you a favor. I wouldn't normally be this anxious but I'll be in LA for about 3-4 weeks which kind of changes things.

Mary gets here Saturday a.m. I haven't been this excited in a LONG time. I can't wait to take on the city. Our tentative plans are as follows: Saturday...stay local & show her around my neighborhood, eat @ Park Chow & game night at my pad (aka our holiday party); Sunday we're meeting Kristy & Marilyn in Berkeley & eating lunch at some fabulous chocolate factory...YES PLEASE. Monday we'll go to Union Square, breakfast at Sears & a full day of shopping. And then Tuesday we'll drive back to Southern Cal.

I went to my first grad school poetry reading. My good friend Ami was published in the magazine Transfer and she also won the fiction award...a huge deal. Josh & I are feelin the competition and we're sure that we'll be featured in the Spring issue.

I had my last class on Monday, but I'm down to one more paper & then I'll officially be done. I should be working on it right now, but I think I'd rather wait until I'm working :) I just can't get down to business and get this thing written. And if anyone is looking for an AMAZING book of short stories to read it's called The Mother Garden by Robin Romm. It is probably one of the best books I've ever read...very clever and frankly honest characters.

It's True What They Say

Just when you stop looking for something, it happens...when you least expect it. You can be out one night with an old girlfriend, telling her how happy you are and how you're getting settled in this new life and that you couldn't imagine things any differently.

And then while at dinner with said friend you meet someone. You find yourself wishing you were ballsy enough to call the restaurant and ask for his number because there was something about the way he was so excited to show you the city that stuck with you over the weekend. And then you lose your nerve and realize you'll never be that ballsy so you give up the idea.

But then your friend calls to say that he wrote her an email asking for your number and everything seems to shift and you start to think well, maybe there is room for one more person...

I wrote this in december and never posted it...

For the past week I've tried to sit down to write a blog, but nothing comes out. I am speechless and can't quite explain what's been going on. I'm not going to superstitious and think that because I'm about to write about how happy I've been, that I'm going to jinx myself.



While I don't understand this newfound happiness, I am delighted. I feel like I'm finally getting to know myself and the city and it all seems like a perfect fit. Most would find that odd since I've barely ventured out and I can't tell one neighborhodd from the next. Or maybe it's because I'm surrounding myself with really genuine optimistic people lately. I guess I don't need to know why or where it all came from, but I should just be thankful that the storms have passed.



I don't know if any of you have had the chance to read Alese's blog yet. It has impacted my life more than I ever thought a stranger could. I never knew her and yet listening to the stories that people shared at her funeral made me realize that I'm not fully living my life.



Her family contacted me yesterday through my blog and I can't figure out the best way to get in touch with them so I decided I'd just continue to write about her life and how many people have been impacted by her electricity. All week I've shifted my thinking and realized how self-absorbed I tend to be. In conversations and emails, I am always focused around my life and what's going on with me. But this week something changed and I found myself wanting to live my life more like Alese.

Moving On & Growing Up

Whenever one of us girls would do something we knew we shouldn't have, my mother would ask us, "What are you, a glutton for punishment?" And to answer that today...Yes I am.

I find myself constantly opening & rehashing conversations and events that I really shouldn't waste time dwelling on because they ended up hurting me in some way. I wish it was only that easy for me to end something as soon as I started to feel hurt or mistreated and not look back.

Ellen recently told a guest on her show that when doors close on us its the universe's way of telling us not to take that path, that for some reason we're not yet aware of, it isn't the way we're supposed to live out our life. And I've carried this thought with me recently and when I begin to dwell or feel sorry for myself, I try to think of her saying that (to me personally of course since we're the best of friends) and I drop it.

So for the sake of my own sanity, I made a decision tonight and because I knew I wouldnt stick to it on my own, I "deleted" them from my (myspace) life. What good is it doing me if it's only continuing to make me upset? Why have I been choosing to reopen this wound when I know I am much better off without this individual in my life?

Maybe Mother does know best and I truly am a glutton for punishment.

It's Already December

My dad called me today just to let me know that they'd bought a Christmas tree. On Thanksgiving he & I walked to the grocery store to buy some last minute items for my cheesecake and I was asking when he thought they'd get one. I thought it was sweet that he remembered that and thought to call me today.

I haven't decorated the tree in years, but when we were growing up us three girls would rummage through the boxes of ornaments and help Mom hang them. I would give anything to be there with her Wednesday as she'll have to decorate the tree by herself (and Bella will probably be under her feet the entire time).

After reading more of Alese's blog (I mentioned this site in my last post), I felt this overwhelming need to be with my family. Or at least let them know that I'm thinking of them.

Almost There

So for the past two days my friend Ami and I have left each other messages about how much fun we had the other night. We're both originally from LA and I think this has been a huge struggle for both of us, especially being away from the ones we love most. It was my first night here where I actually felt like I could just hang and not put work into it (Jen I know you'll understand what I mean by that). I have become such a homebody up here that it's nice to know I have friends close by and it's always a good feeling to make friends in new places. You get that "I've still got it" feeling.

I started excercising a bit (two days this week...a slow start, but still a start). On my latest walk/jog through the park I did a lot of reflecting on the past few months and I'm suddenly in a place where I didnt realize I'd gotten over something. And I know it always happens that way. Something terrible happens and it feels so overwhelming that you can't know for sure when it'll pass and then one day you're out walking and you realize it already did. And it feels good...the best I've felt in months. It feels like I'm completely me again. And it's a reminder that I have a lot of work to do on myself. I seem to struggle in relationships because I lose too much of myself and it's always voluntary. Sure there has to be some compromise, but I get so involved in situations and I always seem to let go of myself for a bit.

In between writing (six) papers tonight, I took a break and stumbled upon the most heart wrenching blog I've ever read. It was started by a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend who lost her life to Hodgkins this past May. She was only 23. The link is www.alesecoco.org. Be prepared. Even if you're not in the mood for something sad, it is an amazing website that has been continued on by her parents. They end every post with a prayer and thank everyone for theirs.

Also, I'm two weeks away from being done with the semester!! A HUGE exciting thing to look forward to. I can't wait to be done with this set of classes. Every time someone asks me how grad school is going, I tell them not-so-good. I'm looking forward to next semester and hoping for a much better experience with brand new teachers. Also, I realized last night that if I quit now, I'll have to start paying back that $20,000 loan...I think I'm reconsidering dropping out based on that alone.

A Really Great Night

Tonight I had a really great night out with friends. Ami, Josh, his gf Cindy & I met at Park Chow for dinner. If you know me, you know this is my FAVORITE SF eatery. I'm completely obsessed with their bleu cheese wedge salad. Mmmmm. We had a couple of drinks, ate dinner & hung out for a few hours...and I was way too happy to learn that Cindy's favorite drinking game is Circle of Death. And they play Balderdash...JACKPOT for an English lover like myself :)

Then Ami and I watched several episodes of Arrested Development. She's never seen it before and I love bringing converts into the world. We drank wine & pigged out on Reeses pieces (and cheetos & taco bell...).

It was a great night and it feels good to know I have friends in such a new place.